Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Weverb12 #10 lose [HOPE]

Did you have to say goodbye to a person, or even a cherished object, this year? Take a moment to celebrate the memory.

This year I have not lost anyone to death, thankfully. Last year I lost one of my best friends to what I don't know, but that pain is still here to stab me once in a while. I haven't lost any cherished objects either, so I guess it hasn't been that bad a day eh? I did lose another friend though, once again inexplicably.

He wasn't someone I'd known for a long time. He swept into my life off the internet, and he was just the right person I needed to meet then. I could say ANYTHING to him, and we talked about the strangest stuff. HE opened my eyes to many things, and was definitely instrumental in my coming to terms with myself and understanding several things about myself. He also introduced me to MW, and though he himself is remote and essentially robotic, did make an effort to understand my need to emotionally respond to things.

We had a vacancy and he was perfect, so I coaxed him into applying for the job. They loved him; he got it; and now he's in love with it. It was SO AWESOME in the beginning, having him here. He moved into Delhi from Gurgaon--interestingly I found him his house indirectly, and then he asked me to help him set it up and teach him to cook. We spent a month where I was in his house almost every alternate day. And how we talked.

I was in the middle of the dip of my double-dip depression, and though it made no sense to him, he took a lot of trouble to try and understand it. (He was prone to saying annoying stuff like, but you have no REASON to be sad! Snap out of it! Be happy! But everyone does that.) There was a car ride after a day spent at MW's, when I'd been super quiet and they'd put up little bits to cheer me up and coax me out of it, but it didn't work and suddenly on the way back the tears came. I drove most of the way back from Gurgaon with tears running down my face. And when we got to his place, he turned around, reached over and wiped them off my cheek, saying 'Don't cry. Please.' It was the sweetest thing he'd ever done, and generally pretty sweet for a robotic boys, or even boys in general. Yes, he was a dear friend.

And then I went to Colombia. He was one of two friends who tried to call and say happy birthday, but didn't get through. But we emailed. And then I came back, and things were different. They have only gone downhill since. I tried to ask him if something had happened to make him withdraw so dramatically, if everything was okay, but he only evaded my attempts. And then I decided that it was time to give up—I couldn’t keep being the doormat being all friendly with someone who was making it more than clear they didn’t see me as a friend anymore. But, like the Dragon, I have no idea why. I’m sure I’ll get over it, but that will always nag me.

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