Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
|You Are 25 Years Old|
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
how sad is it? i am my age!!
Monday, January 22, 2007
Three days of intense activity, interspersed with this startling....aspect to life, followed by a whirlwind trip to the West coast and a return to India really make me wonder if it ever happened. The paths our lives took after that weekend now mean I barely figure in his life anymore. I've come to terms with it; after all can one really stamp one's feet and demand that one be important to someone else? Well I've known people who can, but I can't.
One of the things we did that weekend was take the Roosevelt Island Tramway, which is one of the most fabulous cheap things to do in the City, especially after dark, because you get to see all the lights. As you go over 2nd Ave, I think, on one side you see a river of diamond headlights, and on the other a darker kaleidoscope of ruby tail-lights, emerald traffic lights and amber street lights. Fairy lights.
Yesterday the Scientist was here. Traipsing all over the City we ended up on the East side, and FINALLY en route to the Tramway, something we've been planning to do ever since I got here. As we went over, it suddenly came home to me so strongly, that, despite therapy and finding better ways to deal with life, I haven't lost my worst fear. Nothing hurts like being forgotten, nothing hurtslike being left behind, NOTHING hurts like losing someone, for no reason. Just because it happened that way.
No, we weren't in a relationship, no, neither of us wanted to be. But he was my friend. Not a day went by that we didn't talk. And sitting there, FREEZING my arse off, literally, I couldn't help but remember all the other people. Mahima, Shipra, Chica, Kas, Gautham, Mangala...so many people, without whom I couldn't consider the future, gone for all practical purposes. And, honestly, more whom I don't remember anymore.
But then, other things have changed too. My dearest Scoo and I now have a strong and healthy relationship, I still have the Scientist, Field Commander, Friend in Edinborough, The Rey de los Chingones, Friend in Spain, Friend in Italy, Friend in Hong Kong, the Ancient Witch [*snigger*]. And maybe, new ones here. Though I don't know, I seem to feel like there's no point trying much anymore, it's time to sit back and enjoy the frinds and family I have. And maybe accept the fact that that's what life is giving me.
In the tram, you can look right into so many of those swanky Upper East Side highrise apartments. And there's the couple watching TV on the couch, blankly, there's the empty perfect living room, and so on. Sure I have more than them.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
The shower in the Flat is of the kind that one enters from the bottom, i.e. the end without the showerhead. The shower in the Bathroom of the House of the Daughter of the Friend of the Mother of MinCat, however, isdesigned slightly differently. The pot is right next to the bottom, and the plastic shelf is at that end too. Gamely inserting one foot MinCat shifts her weight only to go flying down the length of the tub, taking most of the shelf with her. Result, long bruise and painful scratch on arm.
Picking herself up MinCat proceeds to air some of her choice multilingual vocabulary and wearily approach the shower itself. Naturally, it works differently too, resulting in the inadvertent application of icy water. Shaking, she turns it off and resets the handle, only to realise that the knob that turns the shower off does not, unlike the one in the Flat, automatically drop down when the water is turned off.
Brokenly she finishes.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
It’s a strange feeling to be leaving home and saying wow I can’t believe I’ll be home in 2 days. But there it is, I’m home again. Just for info, the past 3 weeks have been truly INSANE. Between being ill for a month, there being 66 people visiting from out of town, having to take a trip up north with Spanish friends and then look after them when they were in Hyd [and it was fun too], there being no internet in our house [as ever] I simply haven’t had the space or time to post. However, now I’m back in Noo Yahwk, in my delightful apartment with nothing to do but watch movies and sit online *snigger* hopefully more posts shall appear.
I don’t think I mentioned it, but recent events in the blogosphere have affected me rather strongly, considering I know neither of the people involved. It makes me wonder though, if maybe I do get far more involved in people than they do with me. Sure would explain MANY of the Troubles of Min Cat. To undigress, it scares me a little that most intelligent, capable people of a certain type, one that I identify with largely, seem to encounter so much trouble with relationships. The thing that keeps me positive most of the time is the thought that hey, it’s only a matter of time. You’ll get better at picking out the assholes, and they won’t hurt you anymore. Doesn’t work that way, in my life or in other people’s.
Maybe the problem is just that I, like many others, don’t know what I want. OR maybe I do but there’s a conflict between what I want and what I want to appear to want. I mean, there’s a part of me that wants to be Samantha, the Maneater, cos I want payback. There’s a part of me that wants to just have fun and play around, cos I never had then chance before. But what I really want is neither of these, what I really want is the stability of a relationship. Yet somehow it feels like it’s the wrong thing to want; that to honestly say I’m out for more than fun and today will only lead to trouble.
Maybe it’s just that people are afraid of growing up. I agree, not everyone needs to settle down and so on, but isn’t it important to accept the significance of sexual intimacy with someone and acknowledge its existence? Not to say, ok lets get married and have hundreds of babies, but just to say yes, you move me and that is important. Again too many people leap into the future about this, and freak out about commitment and forever, failing to understand that accepting dependence and reliance in the present does not imply its continuance for ever. Maybe it is just that fear that it will not be there for ever that makes people refuse to accept it in the present.
Heck look at me preaching! As if I’ve ever even been in a relationship, and as if I wouldn’t do just exactly all the psycho things I’m holding forth about.
*falls off soapbox*
Well that wasn’t where I was expecting to go at all!