Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Life is a Rollercoaster

Yes yes cliche. Forgive me.

I had a long chat with Scoo today, about life and purpose and so on. In the past few months I've written dozens of posts in my head around the theme but never had the balls to put em out in writing because fuck that's so scary I can't even begin to deal with it unless I don't look at it.

Anyway, here I am, nearly thirty and quite happy about it. But here I am, nearly thirty and extremely directionless. And I'm terrified. I really am. I know its supposed to be exhilarating and exciting to not know where you are going. The books and the movies and the married and settled people never cease to tell us so. But it terrifies me.

It terrifies me that for the past three years I have been trying so very hard to acquire focus, a goal, SOMETHING to make me feel like my life is more than an endless string of weekends and summer jobs strung together pretending to be a grown-up life.

Is it merely a question of being too lazy to go for what I really want? I don't know, but I do know that I don't know what I really want to do with my life, beyond things like open a cafe and raise a family.

And now, I'm having that panic attack I've been trying to avoid.


  1. I don't think it's exciting to not know where you're going... unless it's holiday related and sometimes even then. I was just thinking the other day how glad I am to no longer have to do the dating routine. It was fun while it lasted but the thought of it all now is quite tiring.

  2. though its not dating thats freaking me out you know...its more like job vocation calling etc...

  3. yeah job, vocation calling is killing me too. uuugh

  4. Yikes, did I sound like a smug married? Didn't mean to :(

  5. dragonfly, tell me aboot it!
    bride, no no issok

  6. ding. i'm here to leave my mark.
    why is running a cafe not a calling? i'm thinking ratatouille (mouse bouillabaisse?) at the moment...
    shhh, shhh, there there, it will all be better. i'm better at random comments than meaningful ones!

  7. lol. not dingleberries? i remember your obsession with them at one point.
    yeah it is a calling. its just not a sureshot one...but then neither is publishing eh

  8. im probably not there yet in terms of age, but yes the same fears exist! directionless, and really no clue what i should be focusing on! it seems like life pulls you in a thousand directions and by the end of it u really have no clue where to turn?!

    ref to your earlier post, in the same boat so would love to read about ur experiences, send me the blog link if u dont mind? my email add is on my blog! :)

  9. hey sunshine! welcome! howdya find me? will give you the response you deserve when im not buzzed =D it is however the best time to welcome people so hiyaaaaaa!

  10. ur buzzed at 10am in the morning! dang i wanna be where u r now!!! i came here loong back from somewhere! am mostly a lurker but had to eventually come out to say *hi*! :)

  11. hahah no! im in the US at the mo, so it wasn't 10am =)

    i really wish i had answers for you...but i dont. tell me if you find them! heh. inviting you but i shld warn there isnt much happening there cos its quite a loser site. hee.

  12. lol am sure its not a loser site! :)
    and did u send invite? coz i didnt get it yet! :(