It’s a strange feeling to be leaving home and saying wow I can’t believe I’ll be home in 2 days. But there it is, I’m home again. Just for info, the past 3 weeks have been truly INSANE. Between being ill for a month, there being 66 people visiting from out of town, having to take a trip up north with Spanish friends and then look after them when they were in Hyd [and it was fun too], there being no internet in our house [as ever] I simply haven’t had the space or time to post. However, now I’m back in Noo Yahwk, in my delightful apartment with nothing to do but watch movies and sit online *snigger* hopefully more posts shall appear.
I don’t think I mentioned it, but recent events in the blogosphere have affected me rather strongly, considering I know neither of the people involved. It makes me wonder though, if maybe I do get far more involved in people than they do with me. Sure would explain MANY of the Troubles of Min Cat. To undigress, it scares me a little that most intelligent, capable people of a certain type, one that I identify with largely, seem to encounter so much trouble with relationships. The thing that keeps me positive most of the time is the thought that hey, it’s only a matter of time. You’ll get better at picking out the assholes, and they won’t hurt you anymore. Doesn’t work that way, in my life or in other people’s.
Maybe the problem is just that I, like many others, don’t know what I want. OR maybe I do but there’s a conflict between what I want and what I want to appear to want. I mean, there’s a part of me that wants to be Samantha, the Maneater, cos I want payback. There’s a part of me that wants to just have fun and play around, cos I never had then chance before. But what I really want is neither of these, what I really want is the stability of a relationship. Yet somehow it feels like it’s the wrong thing to want; that to honestly say I’m out for more than fun and today will only lead to trouble.
Maybe it’s just that people are afraid of growing up. I agree, not everyone needs to settle down and so on, but isn’t it important to accept the significance of sexual intimacy with someone and acknowledge its existence? Not to say, ok lets get married and have hundreds of babies, but just to say yes, you move me and that is important. Again too many people leap into the future about this, and freak out about commitment and forever, failing to understand that accepting dependence and reliance in the present does not imply its continuance for ever. Maybe it is just that fear that it will not be there for ever that makes people refuse to accept it in the present.
Heck look at me preaching! As if I’ve ever even been in a relationship, and as if I wouldn’t do just exactly all the psycho things I’m holding forth about.
*falls off soapbox*
Well that wasn’t where I was expecting to go at all!