The Rules of Play

And we will stick to them, ok?

#0 Don't Panic
#1 Don't Analyse
#2 Don't initiate contact
#3 Potatoes once a week!

The tree outside my winda

Is so beautiful. If I were marginally less lazy I'd get up and do y'all a picture of it this morning, a hazy smudge of bright green pierced by pinpoints of morning light, and crossed by the occasional branch.

I'm going to miss that tree.

For now, here's an old photo. When the leaves were red.

Ok another time cos it's a RAW image and I have to convert and blah blah blah. But it's pretty!

I'm scared

that this is it.
As good as it gets.
And not in a quirky, heartwarming Jack Nicholson movie kind of way.

Sometimes I'm so scared I get cold, so cold I shiver. And my ears start ringing, and I feel like the universe is getting bigger. Alarmingly bigger. I have to focus very hard on unclenching my teeth and pushing my lungs past the clasps cutting into them.

The world's oldest lesson in history...

OOF told me, most graciously, last night at dinner, that I could fall in love with the current crush.

Eh??? you say? My reaction exactly.

Apparently I'm not heading towards neurotic depression this time, so it's ok. Nevermind that no male in history has caused me more neurotic depression than OOF himself, I can see his point, cos things being the way they are he's going to have to pat my back and hand me tissues through most of it.

I suppose what he meant to say was that this time I'm pretty much in control. Well, that's how I choose to interpret it anyway!

I wonder why though. Could it be that of all the legions of men I have had crushes on, and the few I have been in love with, this is the first time I am convinced, for no logical reason whatsoever, that he likes me too? Could it be that I've finally hit upon a lovely delusional defence mechanism to avoid dealing with rejection, i.e. "knowing" he likes me, but waiting for him to make a move? Could it be that I've learnt, through trial and much error, how to hold back and not commit too much emotion to someone until I am given good reason? Or could it be that I've found that people come and go, lust comes and goes, and love comes and goes; there's not much you can do about any of it except keep swimming?

The funny thing though, is that I think of it as a lesson to be learned; only, if I look closely, it's a different story every time. So really, it's more like the world's newest lesson in history...

Of people and types

I have always averred, to Appa's amusement, that I am a morning person.

Now his laughter is provoked by two things. Firstly, he believes that after 5am, it is afternoon. Therefore, by waking up by 8am most days, I am not waking up in the morning. Secondly, he finds it incredibly entertaining that we, as a generation, like to use phrases such as I am "blank" person.

But I digress.

The reason I aver the above (I'm just tripping on the alliteration today ain't I?) is because whenever I wake up, I'm happy. It doesn't matter what time of day, when I open my eyes, I smile. It might not be joy and ecstasy, but it's definitely contentment. And it lasts past the tea-making-and-drinking-ritual, for about two hours, after which life can begin to get me down. This is why I HATE pre-tea confrontation or sulks. It is also why I am so totally at a loss on those occasions that I wake up sad.

I just don't know what to do.

I can handle depression; I can control my more irrational fears and desires, even if I need to let em take over for a bit; I can deal with anger and I can cope with pretty much anything life throws at me.

But when I wake up, like this morning, with tears in my eyes, for no reason, all I can do is let them trickle forlornly down my face and concentrate on not letting my nose run.