You know, it feels like a helluva lot more than just 20 days since I posted.
I present to you, courtesy of the delectable Adam Levine, my head this evening.
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
But can they keep it
Oh No they can't
Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
The thing is, whatever my various faults (argumentative, loud, always right, tends to say painful things), I do think I am a nice person. I try to do the best I can to make people's lives easier; I find it very hard to say no or ask for favours; I don't mind adapting to other people's lives and crises; etc. But lately I'm beginning to wonder if I'm too nice.
I think I should adopt the motto: You want nice? You better fucking earn it.
The Dragon says that's a bad reaction, because I'm going to end up changing who I am, and not even the bits I don't like (low self-esteem, can't say no to potatoes or cake), for someone else. That's a bit below the belt cos it's gyaan I've been throwing at her for a while now.
But then I wonder, maybe I should put a clause on it. Kind of like baseball, three strikes and you're out. I do try. But then I tend to really like people, and when they are jerks, it hurts me, but it's worth it for the people they are and how they enrich my life. Or so I tell myself. There's a tipping point though. You let me down once, I'll let it go. You let me down twice, I'll be wary but I'll let it go if I like you. You let me down thrice, you're out.
Lately I've been trying to live by some rules.
1. Calm down. Rant all week to sympathetic person (only once to OOF or you'll have more ranting to do... :D), never mind how long it takes, but don't talk about it to concerned person till you've calmed down.
2. Make sure you articulate what upset you, and while doing that don't forget to present your understanding of the other person's side. That'll get you over it, never mind what they say or don't.
They've been working well.
I'm going to add another one, stick to the ones you know.
And remember, there are no signs.
Just Mel Gibson.