It amazes me how one can talk oneself into feeling things. Or not feeling them. Or how one can manage to just turn off a certain part of one's mind. Everytime I realise what exactly comprises my life at the moment I get upset. I grind my teeth and rub my eyes. I take deep breaths and count out whole legions of tens. I make plans, I set goals, I tell myself that everything will be all right (rock-a-bye).
And then I get an email from a friend; I scroll through photos to print them; I watch a movie, or a sitcom, or even a video clip; I read a book; I actually look at the photos lined up all over my room; every so often I come across a post like this or this, someone I know makes a trip to NY or plans one (Acrosticus will probably be there this Fall and oh oh oh I won't be there with him), and I suddenly realise just how much I DO miss it, just how much I've chosen to leave behind, just what I've walked away from and just how many doors I have closed.
And I wonder, was it a choice born of reason and feeling or was it one born of fear?
Is there nothing you can do to go back? I've been in that situation, where my heart wasn't in the place I lived and I desperately wanted to return to the place where my heart felt complete. I'm finally working towards doing that and I feel wonderfully happy about it.
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Broom
tis hard my love to tell. and if you're asking me, i think i have more questions than answers. till then, bask in bangalore and return to me faaaaaaaastly. miss you. jubbity jub.
ReplyDelete@broom: i dont think so. or maybe im too scared to give it my bes shot. after all i'm virtually unemployable apparently, so there's alos the visa shite. what to do! good luck to you!
ReplyDelete@dragonfly: no YOU come back to ME. ok?
Gosh. I've evoked feeeeeeeeeeelings and all! Hehe.
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