In case you haven't realised it Gentle Reader, MinCat spends a LOT of time online. And if you know her in real life then you also know that theres a 90% chance she is online at any given point of time. Obviously there are people she wants to chat with and people she doesn't. This can sometimes be a problem, but usually a quick, hi, hello, sorry I need to go now suffices to get rid of the people she doesn't want to talk to.
Why not chat invisible, you might ask. Well chatting invisible just feels shady. Though many of her friends have done it and still do it, to MinCat chatting invisible indicates a need to be in control of the relationship to a slightly scary extent. Seriously, I admit passive aggressiveness, or a general reluctance to be not nice to people whom you don't really want to talk to anymore is a good reason to appear offline, but isn't it a little messed up that when people who you DO like talking to want to talk to you they can never know if you're there?
Yes, too much free time, and much too much time online :)
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Spanish Sunshine
Taken in Galicia, last sun-drenched June, during a startlingly idyllic interlude of wood-fire cooking, cherries off the trees and surprisingly cold nights.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Lost.
Lost. Lost. Lost.
That's how I've been feeling for a year now. I remember last July, a time of Spanish sunshine and complete confidence. I came home on vacation and OF ran into me somewhere and he said: you seem different. Settled somehow. I remember riding a bus from Madrid to Valladolid and watching the sunset blur through the dirty windows. And thinking to myself with a smile, that for the first time in my life I was so filled with contentment. My life was full and so it promised to continue.
And then reality (such an ugly word, but why? Because it's always used as the pejorative form of life?) caught up with me. A year later, I'm fairly settled. I have a job, I have a flat, and I live with someone I love. I see my parents whenever I wish, something vital to me. I have found GOOD friends and happiness in companionship. But I'm lost again.
In some ways I'm happy like I never thought I could ever be, here in this place, giving up New York. I remember a friend talking sense to me: "No sé, es que cada vez que he tomado una decisión me ha jodido. Las cosas buenas me pasan sin tener que hacerlas." I said to him. "Pues si no ves manera de quedarte, no estás tomando ninguna decisión" he replied. So I left New York, with a heavy heart, but not so heavy that it drowned me. And now, six months later, I'm sure that things have happened as they should have.
But, I find myself torn and weeping, again, yet again, in this place, surrounded by love, joyous in my homes - both of them, but stricken without. And I think, yes I DID take a decision, and look, I AM fucked.
But what to do? I don't see a way out that's not cowardly.
And yet, here I am because of fear. Fear that I wouldn't succeed on the road not taken, fear that all that I have instinctively revolted against was merely the dregs of teenage rebellion. However, I find I cannot look myself in the face, because all those ideals, of fulfillment, of believing that what I do makes a difference, of taking control of the consequences of my actions, of not backing down, they have drowned in a cesspool of fear. It is easier to accept that I was wrong in my youthful whims than to accept that I might fail in my adult beliefs.
If this is what I fought against engineering and medicine and MBAs for, I might have been better off not fighting.
And that my friends is the unkindest cut of all.
That's how I've been feeling for a year now. I remember last July, a time of Spanish sunshine and complete confidence. I came home on vacation and OF ran into me somewhere and he said: you seem different. Settled somehow. I remember riding a bus from Madrid to Valladolid and watching the sunset blur through the dirty windows. And thinking to myself with a smile, that for the first time in my life I was so filled with contentment. My life was full and so it promised to continue.
And then reality (such an ugly word, but why? Because it's always used as the pejorative form of life?) caught up with me. A year later, I'm fairly settled. I have a job, I have a flat, and I live with someone I love. I see my parents whenever I wish, something vital to me. I have found GOOD friends and happiness in companionship. But I'm lost again.
In some ways I'm happy like I never thought I could ever be, here in this place, giving up New York. I remember a friend talking sense to me: "No sé, es que cada vez que he tomado una decisión me ha jodido. Las cosas buenas me pasan sin tener que hacerlas." I said to him. "Pues si no ves manera de quedarte, no estás tomando ninguna decisión" he replied. So I left New York, with a heavy heart, but not so heavy that it drowned me. And now, six months later, I'm sure that things have happened as they should have.
But, I find myself torn and weeping, again, yet again, in this place, surrounded by love, joyous in my homes - both of them, but stricken without. And I think, yes I DID take a decision, and look, I AM fucked.
But what to do? I don't see a way out that's not cowardly.
And yet, here I am because of fear. Fear that I wouldn't succeed on the road not taken, fear that all that I have instinctively revolted against was merely the dregs of teenage rebellion. However, I find I cannot look myself in the face, because all those ideals, of fulfillment, of believing that what I do makes a difference, of taking control of the consequences of my actions, of not backing down, they have drowned in a cesspool of fear. It is easier to accept that I was wrong in my youthful whims than to accept that I might fail in my adult beliefs.
If this is what I fought against engineering and medicine and MBAs for, I might have been better off not fighting.
And that my friends is the unkindest cut of all.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Wee fluffy cloud
Yesterday was the most extraordinary day. We had sunshine and heat, both fairly normal, and a blue blue sky with fluffy clouds. Also normal. However, the blue was this of this intensity that I have never seen in India before. If it is that blue then there are never clouds. It reminded me a bit of the world in that show Pushing Daisies. Anyway shall stop faffing and just show.
Edit: Dammit! For some reason it doesn't show in this photo. Grrrrrrrrr.
Monday, September 01, 2008
Falling
up into the trees. This picture makes me yearn. I had it as my phone wallpaper but I couldn't stand it after a day and took it off. It makes me grind my teeth and try to fall into it and has this inexorable pull that can only lead to pain.
I TOLD YOU SO!
Your result for The Animal Archetype Test...
The Cat
Domestic, Solitary, Serious, Intelectual: you are the Cat!
Cat represents a balance of strength in both physical and spiritual, psychic and sensual powers, merging these two worlds into one. Curious, intelligent, and physically adept, cat people tend to live in a world all their own.
This test categorized you based on four different axes of personality, which were then associated with a different animal. The four axes, as well as all possible results are explained below.
Wild/Domestic: This first axis categorizes you based on how much you are drawn to the outdoors, versus how much you are drawn to civilized situations. Domesticity has many shapes and forms, and varies from the joy of dolphins leaping next to a ship to the steadfast loyalty of a family dog.
Gregarious/Solitary: This axis measures how solitary you are. If you scored high, it means that you enjoy the company of other people, while a low score indicates that you prefer a more solitary lifestyle.
Trickster/Serious: This axis measures how well you line up with conventional trickster archetypes. People who fall into this archetype have a sense of humor and an excitable, highly chaotic streak. Scoring low doesn't mean that you don't have a sense of humor; it just means that you probably don't think dynamite is very funny.
Intellectual/Emotional: This last axis determines whether you are more emotional -- acting based on feelings and instinct, or rational and intelectual -- acting more on thought than on your gut feelings.
Cat represents a balance of strength in both physical and spiritual, psychic and sensual powers, merging these two worlds into one. Curious, intelligent, and physically adept, cat people tend to live in a world all their own.
This test categorized you based on four different axes of personality, which were then associated with a different animal. The four axes, as well as all possible results are explained below.
Wild/Domestic: This first axis categorizes you based on how much you are drawn to the outdoors, versus how much you are drawn to civilized situations. Domesticity has many shapes and forms, and varies from the joy of dolphins leaping next to a ship to the steadfast loyalty of a family dog.
Gregarious/Solitary: This axis measures how solitary you are. If you scored high, it means that you enjoy the company of other people, while a low score indicates that you prefer a more solitary lifestyle.
Trickster/Serious: This axis measures how well you line up with conventional trickster archetypes. People who fall into this archetype have a sense of humor and an excitable, highly chaotic streak. Scoring low doesn't mean that you don't have a sense of humor; it just means that you probably don't think dynamite is very funny.
Intellectual/Emotional: This last axis determines whether you are more emotional -- acting based on feelings and instinct, or rational and intelectual -- acting more on thought than on your gut feelings.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
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